My early twenties had been a turbulent painful time in my life. Although I didn’t see myself as running away from God it is exactly what I was doing. I ran from God and towards the world and all its sophistication attempting to be a “cosmopolitan” woman. Like the prodigal son I finally came to my senses and returned home. I was 25 when I met my husband, married him a year later and 10 months after that we had our first child. We bought our home about a week before my 30th birthday. I approached turning 30 with hopeful anticipation for my future. I was walking with God again, had a wonderful husband who also loved the Lord, we had a beautiful two (almost three) year old daughter, had our own home and were going to a really good church. Life was full of promise. I had graduated from college as a writing/literature major and had had dreams of becoming a published author. I had squandered my twenties on parties and the fast lane, but here was a chance to start fresh. I felt greatly blessed and full of hope.
Ten years later I found myself approaching forty. I don’t remember having strong feelings about it, neither positive nor negative. It was what it was. We had our twins a year and a day after my 30th birthday. I became a stay at home Mom and began home schooling our oldest. Over that decade I had done some babysitting for a little extra income. When I was 38 I gave birth to our youngest child. Our family was complete. A lot of positive things played out over those years: we developed deep and lasting friendships within our church, we grew in our walk with the Lord, I served several years on the Ladies’ ministry cabinet in our church, taught Sunday School with my husband, with the help of some friends I organized a home school co-op for our church members. On the downside, what had started sometime after the twins were born as a general, but continual tiredness became towards the end of my thirties constant fatigue and flu-like muscle aches. Life was pretty overwhelming and to escape I often procrastinated or avoided tasks filling time with easier and seemingly useful but unimportant tasks. When I was finally diagnosed as having Chronic Fatigue/Fibromyalgia it was such a relief to understand that I wasn’t just lazy or a hypochondriac. If I could manage my fibromyalgia and pace myself, maybe I could still achieve some of my dreams. I wasn’t too old yet.
Home schooling did not turn out to be what I had expected it to be. We thought that maybe only two of our children had some learning differences, but have come to discover that they all possibly have one sort of learning difference or another. This has made home schooling challenging for me to say the least. With the help of a really good and supportive oversight school we’ve managed to keep on track. Over the course of the last nine years my oldest has graduated and is working part time and going to college part time. My twins, God willing, will be finished with school the end of May and graduate early June. Then I’ll be able to focus on my youngest and get her learning difference/disability diagnosed and get recommendations on how to best help her. We knew our oldest had dyslexia, she was diagnosed in fourth grade, but we had to have an official diagnoses less than 3 years old to get accommodations for college. During the testing we discovered that she has ADD. As we have read and researched this we began to suspect our 18 year old son might also have ADD. We’ve had him tested and are waiting for the test report. Going through the testing process with my son and filling out a symptoms form, it began to occur to me that, “hey, over half these behaviors are things I do or don’t do!” I’ve been reading more about adult ADD and am convinced that I am one of those undiagnosed adults with ADD. It would explain so much about my life.
Now here I am a year away from fifty and I am dreading it. I look back over my life and rather than see the positives, the failures loom large taunting me, “Your time is limited!” “You’re getting older and no closer to accomplishing your goals!” “If you haven’t accomplished anything yet, what makes you think you’ll accomplish anything in the future?” I am afraid that another ten years will go by and I will find that at sixty I still have gotten no closer to my dreams. And yet, I am determined that by the time I turn fifty next year that I will be ready to embrace it. Just writing all this out has been somewhat therapeutic. As I reflect I can see that though each decade of my life has had its challenges, it has also had its milestones. Not only that, but each decade has brought with it some sort of self discovery, and each discovery has enabled me to overcome a challenge and do a little better.
If I listen to that taunting voice in my head I could end up very depressed over turning fifty. There is a song by Casting Crowns which should be my theme song for the year:
From the “Voice of Truth”:
“But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth”
The voice of truth tells me that my dreams and goals are not dead. I am reminded of Ecclesiastes, for everything there is a season. I've been in seasons of turmoil and healing, of babies and preschoolers, of educating and nurturing, of illness and wellness, of clutter and de-cluttering, and many others. Some seasons seem to repeat themselves, some are temporary and there are new ones yet to come. Looking towards the new seasons of my life with anticipation will allow me to truly embrace turning fifty as I close in on it over this next year.
