very tired

I'm very very tired.

I wonder if I am beginning to clear on the 1200 mg of guaifenesine (600 twice a day). It started with just the weariness. I didn't do much of anything this past weekend. Felt okay for Thanksgiving, but just felt very tired the rest of the weekend. Sunday I slept till 8:00, had breakfast, went back to bed till 11:30, took a shower, put clean pjs back on and spent most of the day in bed sleeping or watching tv. I had/have very little energy.

Tha brain fog is creeping back in along with slight aching. I feel exhausted after taking a shower.

This is one of the first times that these symptoms have been welcome. If it is from the guaifenesine that means that I am "reversing" and beginning to clear the excess phosphates out of my body. That should also mean a good cycle will follow this bad one.

So, although the house still needs a lot of my attention, I am trying to focus on what is good going on with my body.

Another good thing is that my weight is still slowly going down!

I've kept up with laundry.

I've kept my new nice room dusted and swept.

Things are okay!

I'll keep pressing forward.

Didn't crash but moving slow...

Often after a big weekend like last weekend I'll crash the week after with a big fibro-flare. I kept waiting for it to happen but there was not crash this week. I have been a bit slow and feeling twinges of tolerable pain, however I am very thankful that I haven't crashed.

My week was typically crazy with lots of running around and school to do, so the living room has remained in shambles since the bedroom redo. Today is my day to regain order. My problem with regaining order isn't a physical one at this point, its mental. I am one of those personalities that gets easily overwhelmed by a big job. I think that is the negative aspect to seeing the big picture and having a "vision" of where you are going. I see ALL that has to be done and the thought of it all drowns me.

I am sitting here on the couch procrastinating even as I write this. I don't know if it happens in your house, but here, when there is a little mess it seems to invite more mess. My kids just dump their things on the floor and couches. Truth be told I am probably guilty of some dumping myself. Except for my 8 year old, the rest of the family is out today so I'm on my own. :::sigh:::

I'm going to take a deep breath, put on some music and begin by getting the kids' possessions out of the room. Going to gather them and "dump" them in their respective bedrooms and let them deal with them there. Once that is done, maybe I can start sorting through what is down here from last week's project.

Today is definitely a day where I need to presevere and press onward and forward!

A Clean Sweep, While He Was Out

The Decision

I love the decorating shows on TLC. Since I don’t really have a close neighbor that I could trade spaces with I’ve often thought it would be neat to get on Clean Sweep or While You Were Out. Unfortunately, Clean Sweep only takes homes in California so that would leave WYWO. I have a girlfriend that I have been meeting with since this past summer every other week as a weight loss accountability partner. We get together and weigh-in each time we meet and measure once a month. Then we usually sit together for awhile encouraging one another and sharing ups and downs of life.

One week I mentioned to my friend, Debbie, that my home needed some help and I wished I could be on While You Were Out and surprise Joe with a new bedroom or family room. These rooms and the kitchen are the only rooms left in the house that have not been decorated and changed since moving in some 15 years ago. Debbie is a firm believer that the master bedroom should be a sanctuary for a married couple, so she said to me that if I could get rid of Joe for a weekend she would come and help me redo my room as a surprise for him.

It happens that Joe usually gets together for a weekend every year with an old friend who comes up this direction for his business. However, this year I was under the wrong impression that he was only going overnight so my redo wasn’t going to happen this year.

Imagine my surprise the Wednesday before he is to meet David when I learn that he is going to be gone the whole weekend. My mind started churning. Was I up to it health-wise? Would Debbie be available? Our room was a cluttered mess; could I get it cleaned up Thursday night to be ready for Debbie on Friday night? It so happens that another friend had offered the previous week to come and help me with a project some time that week but I hadn’t taken her up on it.

Time to send out emails! I wrote to Debbie to see if she was available for the weekend. I wrote to my other friend, Dottie, to see if she could come over Thursday night and help with some major decluttering.

Day 1 – Get Ready!

Thursday morning I had to take my 14 year old daughter to an umbrella school class and had promised to take my youngest with me to go to Target and have lunch while the older daughter was in class. I wouldn’t know until after I got back from our outing if my friends could help me or not, but I needed to find a new comforter that morning in case they were available.

We went to Target first but I didn’t find anything I liked there. Then we went to Kohl’s and they were having a really good sale on bedding. I looked and looked and just about when I was about to give up I found the comforter set! It was a muted green and blue patchwork comforter and the set came with two pillow shams and a dust ruffle. Perfect! I didn’t want any pink! We had lived with pink with red roses wall paper for fifteen years and who knows how long it had hung on those walls before we bought the house! I wanted something pretty but not frilly and it fit the bill. I picked up some blue flannel sheets that were also on sale and headed for the check-out.

That afternoon it was confirmed that Debbie and Dottie could help me! Everything was falling into place. Operation “Love Sanctuary” was a go!

I took the comforter to Debbie’s to be hide for the night, taking out one of the sham to help me find a paint color. From her house I headed to Home Depot to get paint chips. I thought I found a good match but need affirmation from another pair of eyes. I did pick up some shelves for candles that evening.

Joe wasn’t the least suspicious that Dottie was coming over at the last minute on Thursday night to help me clean up our bedroom. He was a little embarrassed, but not suspicious. By ten o’clock we had it under control with a few things for me to finish up. The room was ready for its make-over.

A Room in Need of Help:

Day 2 – Let’s Go!

On Friday, late afternoon, after getting input from my girlfriends at co-op, I went to Target and Home Depot and to get paint and maybe two new pillows for the shams. I was starting to wonder if it had been a mistake to take my 14 year old daughter with me because she kept finding more things to decorate the room. I was going to wash and reuse the white sheer curtains that we already owned, however my daughter felt we needed to at least look at curtains. Of course I found something that would look just lovely in our room. And then she pulled me over to look at rugs and of course I found something that would be perfect.

That evening, with much help from my daughters and Debbie's daughter (and my daughter’s best friend), Debbie and I emptied the room except for the dressers and bed, stripped the wallpaper off the wall. I think that wallpaper had been on the walls since the house was built! After pulling off the top layer of wallpaper, we then had to go back and scrape off the rest. Then Debbie and I had to go back and wipe/scrub down the walls to take off the remaining paste/glue. THAT was the hard part! Ibuprofen was my friend when I went to bed that evening! We finished around midnight, both of us sore and tired, but feeling good about what we had accomplished.

I was so excited about our project that I just had to tell someone, so before going to bed I emailed Joe’s family members and told them all about Joe’s surprise.

Stripping wallpaper

Day 3 – Paint Day

Saturday was paint day. Debbie’s husband, Jim came over with her that morning. As he told Joe later when Joe called to thank them for their help, he came to do “guy stuff”. First he took down hardware for us and moved the mattresses out of the room. Then, as Debbie spackled the holes in the wall, Jim began pulling up carpet with me helping. As I expected from our experience with other rooms in the house, beautiful hardwood floors were waiting to be revealed. It was time to lay down the tarps and start painting! I had bought three shades of green that had been on a paint card together. There was a medium green, “Rejuvenate”, then a very light green, “Celery Ice” and lastly, for the ceiling, a white with very light tint of green, “Frostworks”. I had taken the suggestion of one of my friends from co-op, Susan, and decided to put Rejuvenate on the wall that the bed would be up against and the trim work. Celery Ice would cover the other three walls.

Let me tell you something about Behr paint… at least in my case, the paint chips were almost exactly the same color as what ended up on my walls. In the past I have always figured the paint would be a few shades darker than my sample and have gotten what I wanted when it was done. This was not the case with Behr; the sample was true to what was drying on my walls. At first I was a bit worried. The Celery Ice seemed too light. The Rejuvenate seemed like it would have been perfect for the light color with something darker for the accent wall. But as it all began to come together I began to like it. When it was all done I loved it. It turned out perfect.

The weather reports had been calling for rain on Saturday, but the Lord blessed us with beautiful fall weather perfect for painting. With the air relatively dry and windows opened the paint dried fairly quickly and we didn’t’ have to wait too long between coats. We were finished, except for touch-ups on the Celery Ice, by 11:00 on Saturday evening. Of course, I had to get on my mail and update Joe’s family and then realized I hadn’t told MY family what I was doing so I had to write them too!

Oh, and did I mention that Ibuprofen was my friend that evening too?

Day 4– Counting the Hours before He Gets Home!

Of course we were going to have a late start on Sunday. My friends had a function to go to after church so we couldn’t get started until about 3:00 PM. That was okay though, I had a few errands to run. We needed another quart of Celery Ice for the touch-ups. I also needed to get a new bed frame. Jim was going to fix our bed for us, but the hardware needed to fix it was missing. I wanted the bed off the floor so it was decided I would find and buy a new bed frame and Jim would put it together for me. I went to three different mattress stores before finding a bed frame that had wide wheels and wouldn’t’ damage our wood floors. The one I finally bought can be expanded to a queen or king bed, which is nice if we are ever able to get a queen bed.

I got home about 2:45 and my friends came over about 3:15. Jim did a wonderful job of doing touch-ups that came near the darker green color. This is also when he did the most “guy stuff” work… putting my television back on the wall, hanging my shelves, putting together the bed frame, putting the light fixture back into the wall and attaching outlet covers. Debbie and I scraped the windows, and began slowly dressing the room. While I had been out earlier I had also found some shelves that I could use as a night stand that could hold my C-Pap machine so the cord could go out the back.

As we dressed the room I began to get excited about Joe seeing the room. It was so pretty, but not frilly feminine. We were finishing up when Joe called to tell me he was about a half hour from home! Perfect timing! Debbie and Jim gave me a hug and headed home and I ran to church to pick the kids up from Awana, leaving my oldest at home with instructions to keep Daddy out of the bedroom if he got home before I did.

He’s Home!

The kids and I got home before Joe. The twins had time to take the carpet rolls and padding we had thrown out the window down to the corner for trash pick up the next day. I was able to put a few more things back in the room change so he wouldn’t see the paint on me.

When he got home I met him at the car to help him carry in his things. The kids were all in the bedroom waiting and my oldest daughter had our friend’s video camera ready to capture the moment. He had some trash from his car so he went right to the trash pile to throw it out, saw the carpet rolls and trash, but it didn't register to him what they were! He didn't give them a second thought! (sometimes his being a tad unobservant comes in handy.)

When we got to the back door (our driveway comes up the side of the house) I told him when we got into the kitchen he needed to drop his bags, close his eyes and come with me. He said, "Oh no, you didn't do something that I should have had some input in, did you? I'm not going to be upset, am I?" This makes me a little nervous, but I just say, "I don't know. I think you'll be happy." (Turns out he was thinking I had done something I had been talking about but he didn’t want to do and that was us switching bedrooms with the girls to give them more room.)

When I opened the door, the lights were off and candles were lit on the shelves. He walked in and immediately felt the carpet was gone. "I know what you did!" I told him to open his eyes. He opens his eyes and just starts saying, "Oh my word!" and looking around in shock. "How did you do this?" "I had no idea!" Then he looks at me and says, "This is just like that show you watch!" The kids and I were laughing. "While You Were Out!" I say. He loved it. He said he would have never picked those colors, never picked a color for the trim, but said it looked so good so it was probably good he wasn't in on the choices. He said he doesn't have the vision like I have. Well, I got some help with my "vision" but I guess I could see it when it was suggested.

Then at one point I spoke to my oldest, "You are supposed to ask him why he thinks I did this for him." so she asks him, “Why do you think Mommy did this for you?” Without missing a beat Joe starts singing, "Love shack, baby, it’s a love shack..." (from B52s) The teens immediately start groaning, "No, stop!" Too funny! I just hugged him and said, close enough... we've been calling this ‘Operation Love Sanctuary’."

The New Room!

Two Days Later –

Operation Love Sanctuary was a huge success! I LOVE LOVE LOVE our new room. Joe is very happy with our room too. It feels so much bigger. There are things that have NOT and will not be coming back into our room. I want to keep the peaceful spa feeling. There are still some things I would like to do. I want to strip and either refinish or paint Joe’s black dresser. I have enough Rejuvenate to paint it and that would look nice up against the Celery Ice wall, but Joe isn’t a big fan of painting furniture. I also want to replace the hardware on both dressers to unify them a bit better. I need to hang something over Joe’s dresser too. Haven’t decided if it should be pictures of the kids, a Monet print or a wedding picture. Oh, and the runner carpet I bought, though matches perfectly, is going back to the store. We want to get an oval or rectangle rug for the space between the bed, dresser and door.

Thank you for hanging in there and sharing my room make-over journey. It was an exciting weekend with a huge payoff. Now, it’s just a matter of reclaiming my living room and deciding what to do with the things that aren’t going back in the room!

Week 2 on Guaifenesin, a Long Drive and Other Musings

There hasn’t been any difference in how I have felt since my first week on the 300 mg twice a day dosage of Mucinex. Saturday I changed my dose to 600 mg two times a day. Already I think I am beginning to feel something. I have had a tolerable amount of pain in my upper arms and was more tired today than I've been in several weeks. However, yesterday my husband and I were six hours on the road so what I could be feeling is repercussions from the car trip. Time will tell.

Why were we on the road six hours? Our middle daughter went to a Christian camp retreat in Pennsylvania with a friend. The friend's parents took them there on Friday afternoon and we picked them up on Sunday. My husband and I like driving together. We have really good deep uninterrupted conversations when we are driving together long distances. This time we talked mostly about our home. How much longer did we think we would be there? Could we afford to get a place with my parents sometime in the next few years in this area? The housing market sale bubble has burst here like it has in so many other parts of the country. On one hand a new home wouldn't cost as much now, but conversely ours won't sell for as much. Unfortunately, we also have debt that figures into the equation. Joe thinks it would make more financial sense to add on to our home. We talk about raising the roof and adding a level (for a master bed and bath and a school room/library) and extending out the back for a larger kitchen and dining room. We have no idea how much any of this would cost and what would be doable. There is so much to think about and consider. All this came up in the first place because I proposed we turn our family room downstairs into a bedroom for the three girls, we take the room the two older girls are in and turn our bedroom into a smaller family room/den. Our son would finally have his own room. Joe did not like the idea of losing our family room at all, but our 14 year old son and his 8 year old sister need to be separated.

We have been in our small split level about 15-1/2 years now. I have never loved my home. From the beginning I felt the kitchen was too small. It wouldn’t be so bad if there weren’t a door in each of the four walls. It is only 9’7” x 9’7” from wall to wall. Counter space makes the floor area smaller. We have long outgrown this home but have not been able to move. Lately we’ve talked to my parents about getting a place with them. Ideally we could find a house a little bigger than our 1200 square feet with either an in-law suite or enough land to make an addition for them. My parents are in their late 60s and after caring for their parents long distance don’t want to burden either of their children by retiring and moving far away from us. They want to be near and that suits me fine. We get along with my parents well, and my Mom has been such a big help in the home schooling. My Dad has done field trips with us from time to time. It would be nice to have them near and then as they age and need more help they would be close which would make it easier for me to care for them.

The prospect of doing something new to our home or moving is exciting to me. I hope we can do one or the other. I hope we can do what will be best for our family and my parents. Joe’s parents are still in the area and in the neighborhood so it would be nice to stay close to them too and be available to them. There had been talk of them relocating to be close to Joe’s older sister and her husband, but lately his Dad’s health has not been good so that is up in the air now.

It’s funny… The thought of a major overhaul to our home or a big move is a bit overwhelming, but not as overwhelming as it would feel if I didn’t have hope because of this guaifenesin protocol. My hope is that this is a gift from God towards healing. My hope is that this gift will allow me more energy to do what I will need to do. Whether we renovate, move or have to juggle and be content with our house as it is, I hope to have energy to better serve my family and practice hospitality on a more regular basis. My hope is to have a home where my teens’ friends would be welcome to hang out at a moment’s notice. My hope is to have energy to invite neighbors or friends from church to dinner or for parties more often. My hope is to be able to have more extended family gatherings in my home.

It is nice to have hope.

Starting the Guaifenesin!

Today was the day.

I have begun the guaifenesin protocol. For the next week I’ll be taking ½ Mucinex tablet twice a day. If I begin to feel a lot worse then I’ve found my dosage. You know you’ve hit your dosage when you begin to feel the worst you’ve ever felt and little bit worse than that. If I don’t feel any different by next Saturday I then begin taking 2 tablets a day. This may sound weird but I hope I’m a two table a day person because then I won’t have to mess with cutting tablets in half. The majority of people on the guaifenesin protocol do respond to 1200 mg a day.

The hypoglycemic strict diet has been working very well for me. I don’t think I’ve had any shakiness or lightheadedness since I’ve begun it. The best part is that in five weeks I’ve been doing it I’ve lost 11 pounds. Including the 4 pounds it took me all summer to lose, I’ve lost a little over 15 pounds! This Wednesday I weigh-in again with my girlfriend and hope to see another pound or two subtracted from the scale.

A lot of things are out of whack in my life right now, but my health seems to be on the right track. That is encouraging.

I am little nervous about the “feeling worse than your worst” when we hit the right dosage, but it is an important part of the process to healing. To feel normal more often than not and actually be able to get some projects done around my house is a great hope that I have.

It is nice to have hope.

Feeling good again

I just wanted to thank my friends and family that have been reading my blogs and praying for me. I am always surprised when someone says to me, "I was reading your blog and...." It is very encouraging to be told I am being prayed for or even just to be told that someone enjoys my writing.

I also wanted to give a quick update on how I'm doing healthwise. I went back and looked at the little journal I've been keeping of symptoms and noticed that the day after I began the strict hypoglycemic diet the aching began to disappear. I still have the stiffness in the morning but the flu like aching is gone for the most part. The other positive that has come from the diet is the loss of almost 6 pounds! The extreme fatigue began to wear off over last weekend and I felt more clear headed this past week than I have felt in over a month. It may be related to the diet. It may be that I'm on a good cycle. It is probably a combination of both.

Now my prayer is that I didn't overdo it by going camping this past Thursday and Friday. Having teen kids that can do a lot of the physical work is a huge help, but it was still somewhat stressful! If you want to read more about my camping experience you'll need to go to my homeschool blog... http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/netopiasgal/

Again, I thank all of you who are praying for me. It means so very much to me. If you share your prayer requests with me I would love to pray for you too!

God bless!

Appointments

I finally did it. About a week and a half ago I made three appointments. One for a mammogram, another for a complete physical and the third for my annual OBGYN exam. I’m embarrassed to admit that its been 5 years since I had a mammogram, 7 years since I’ve had a complete physical and 2-1/2 years since I’ve had an OBGYN appointment.

I had the mammogram and physical on Monday. I was able to talk to the CRNP that did my physical about Dr. St. Amand’s guaifenesin treatment. I had sent her a letter ahead of time with some documentation from his site. She did read it and it seems she also visited his website.

The good news is that my blood pressure and EKG were good. Actually, my blood pressure is excellent. We talked about the guai protocol and she said that if I were willing to go through all my personal hygiene products and household soaps and eliminate all that contain Salicylates then it wouldn’t hurt to try. She also said that the strict hypoglycemic diet was also okay to try. That’s good because I had already been on it for about six days.

Today I got a note from the NP saying that my LDL (bad cholesterol) was 159. But she didn’t give me any numbers for the HDL (good cholesterol). She told me I need to diet and exercise and have the test redone in a year. The diet information she sent me was for the typical low fat, limited protein, “good” carb diet. ::sigh:: I just can’t bring myself to do the “diet” that has contributed to America becoming obese. I’m going to call the office and get my HDL reading and figure out my ratio. I am also going to continue on my strict hypoglycemic diet, lose the weight and then get my numbers done again. If I haven’t improved I may reconsider taking the doctor’s advice. But I think I will improve. I’ve already lost about four pounds since last Wednesday.

If you are interested in reading about the low fat lie, read this article.

Two appointments down and one to go!

Abiding

Today has been a quiet day, a day of rest.

I have some quiet work to do on my computer today. While looking through some of my old writings I came across a poem that I wrote about 2 years ago. I thought I would share it here...

Here I go again
Feeling like I want to give up
Life just feels too hard to go on

But I hear my Lord calling,
“Abide in me,
abide in me,
my yoke is easy, my burden is light…”

Oh, Lord,
How do I get so far from you?
Like a child in a toy store
That wanders unaware from
Her father,
I let loose your hand
And wander away in life
Then turn around and wonder
Where you went.

I hear you calling,
“Abide in me,
abide in me,
my yoke is easy, my burden is light…”

You are always there
The watchful parent
You don’t let me out of your sight,
Even when I wander from you
Seeking my strength to
Conquer life’s difficulties
Seeking my own solutions,
But instead almost drowning myself

I hear you calling,
“Abide in me,
abide in me,
my yoke is easy, my burden is light….”

Lord, Hold my hand fast,
That I might abide in you.
Hold my hand fast,
That I might not wander away
Lay your yoke upon me, and
Direct my steps.
I want to exchange my burdens
For yours

Lord, I seek to abide in you…

I looked up the word "abide". Dictionary.com says:

1.	to remain; continue; stay: Abide with me.

2.	to have one's abode; dwell; reside: to abide in a small Scottish village.

3.	to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; last.

All these definitions are good. I think another good word to use might be "to rest". I don't know that there is any point to all this. It just struck me that abiding in Jesus is a daily challenge with great rewards. When I came across the poem I realized that my challenge to rest in Jesus will most likely be a lifelong challenge, but I hope its a little less of a challenge as the years pass.

Worshipping is healing

Worshipping can be healing to the soul or balm on a troubled spirit.

Last night was the first good night's sleep I've had in about a week. This morning I had found out that three different people were specifically praying yesterday evening for my sleep: an online homeschooling fibro friend, a real life friend who had been reading my blogs and my mother. I am so thankful for those prayers! I still felt stiff and achy this morning, but I was determined to go to church. Besides being the first Sunday of the new school year for Sunday School, I wanted to worship and thank the Lord by making the effort to go to church.

I am so glad that I did.

This particular song rang especially true for me this morning:

Over the mountains and the sea,
Your river runs with love for me,
And I will open up my heart
And let the Healer set me free.
I'm happy to be in the truth
And I will daily lift my hands,
For I will always sing
Of when Your love came down.

I could sing of Your love forever.
I could sing of Your love forever.
I could sing of Your love forever.
I could sing of Your love forever.

Whether or not the quaifenesin works for me, the Healer has set me free and I will sing of His love forever!

Slipping into a Pit

It is going on 7:00 am and I've been up since 6:30. I can't sleep although I am so tired. I know I slept some because I had dreams. Dreams of floating down a little channel in someone's home. On one side was the "shore" which was her castle like home. On the other "shore" their were side to side small crypts? But it wasn't scary. We were escaping something I think. Or just having fun. I can't remember now. Then my Nana and Papa and random "friends" of theirs were in the dream. I was checking some food and my Papa said his lunch was cooking and asked me to see if it was ready. Then I was going down some steps to an apartment. My apartment was next door, but I was knocking on my neighbors' door with a bottle of wine in my hands which was supposed to be "Friends". They said come in, but a guy from church came walking in the building and was at the top of the stairs with a box and bottle of wine and tripped down the steps. He still had the wine in his hand and I said, "well at least you didn't drop the bottle." Someone else from church was with him. We helped the guy up and they left. I knocked again and the people inside yelled, "We said to come in!" Oh I didnt' hear it. I had been out of it. I walked in and all my old roommates from college and some of the guys I used to hang out with were there. oh wait, I think the dream of going down the channel is next... or is it? well... lots of strange dreams.

But all night I was waking up and so very aware of my body. It just aches so much. I feel like I'm slipping into a vortex or black hole. Slipping back into bad fibro days. lots of them. I would roll over to get comfortable but I could "feel" my hands and feet to the bone. My back has a backpack strapped on it. My legs and arms ache continually.

Joe said that on Tuesday night he heard me stop breathing and gasping several times. I'm not supposed to be doing that with the CPap. That's the sleep apnea. I am expecting a new mask to be sent. My present one will leak air if I move the wrong way and then I have to adjust my mask, there isn't a good seal around my mouth and nose. I did tighten my mask last night after Joe told me about Tuesday night. Maybe that is part of the reason I'm feeling so bad again. We know that the sleep apnea made my fibromyalgia worse.

I just want to sleep for a week... if I could just sleep soundly....

my faithful friend.. (or fiend)...Fibro

I didn't get the book last week when I thought I might go to the library, but I did get it today. Feeling bad tends to spur one on to take some action. Joe and I have decided that I will try Dr. St. Amand's guaifenesin protocol. It is not just as simple as taking a pill and feeling better. I will also have to go through all my beauty products and eliminate from my routine anything that contains salicylates in them. Salicylates appear to block guaifenesin from doing its job.

But first let me help you pronounce these words. I used to just look at them as I read, but realized when I tried to share my new information with others that I sounded like a babbling idiot when I couldn't pronounce them.

Guaifenesin = gwye fen' e sin
Salicylate = sa lis'e late

Does that help? I hope so.

I wish I had looked into this in more detail at the beginning of the summer. The week we start school or shortly after isn't the ideal time to be trying this treatment, but I suppose there never is an ideal time.

My understanding of one of the theories of what causes Fibromyalgia is that at a cellular level, something important to our body's energy is blocked from passing through the kidneys. The guaifenesin clears out these portals in the kidneys and allows the important cellular function to happen. Salicylates will tend to sit in these same portals or in the way of them and block the work of the guaifenesin.

Guaifenesin is sold over the counter as Mucinex. As you go through the protocol you know the guaifenesin is doing its work when you feel worse at first. Then you will cycle and feel better, then feel bad, and then even better, and then a little less badly, and continues as the bad days decrease in intensity and the good days get better till you're feeling like you have your life back again.

In reading this book, I’m beginning to realize that I’ve had this for at least 20 years now, maybe earlier. Often when I would be burping a baby my arm would ache and burn from even that simple task. I distinctly remember one time stirring ground beef that I was cooking to go in spaghetti. My arm hurt so badly I wanted to cry. I remembered my doctor saying, “You have young children.” And felt indignant. THIS WAS NOT NORMAL.

My symptoms include irritable bowel syndrome, which I had diagnosed in my late 20s but suffered from for many years into my teens before that. Like my oldest daughter, I remember “growing pains” which I thought were normal. I have often felt flu like in the years before I even met my husband, but never would have a fever. I remember thinking oh so many times, “I wish I could get well or just get worse so I would know I was sick!” Sometime in the last 10 years it did get worse. When my fibro is bad I feel like I have weights strapped along my arms and legs and across my back. Walking up the stairs or across the room is an effort. And when I’m at my worst, I feel like I have a bad flu all through my muscles and joints. My body aches terribly like I have the flu but there are no other symptoms, expect the fatigue. There is a weariness that makes it hard to think or focus on tasks. The fibro fog, as I now know they call it, was often the worse thing of all. I didn’t want to think or move. Keeping up with my home, the kids and their chores and most important, keeping on top of our homeschool was very very difficult and in fact, we often would get behind and have to catch up when I felt better.

You can see why I am a bit nervous about going through this protocol. We start school on Friday. I am already feeling bad. My body aches, I feel like I am wearing some lighter weights (as opposed to heavier ones when I am feeling worse), my irritable bowel is acting up and I am bloated and feel very yucky in general. I have been wanting to write in my blog this week, but I just haven’t been up to it mentally. I’m not completely fibro fogged, but my mind is a bit muddy. I don’t want to get worse, but more than that, I WANT TO GET BETTER.

So, I’ll finish this now and get back to my reading. I feel validated when I read this book. No, I’m not sick because I have four children, I’m not sick because it’s in my head and I’m not lazy and I’m not depressed. I have fibromyalgia… a misnamed, energy sapping, multi-symptom illness. Whether it’s a “disease”, a “syndrome” or a “condition” I don’t care. I do care that it negatively affects me and my family. I’m ready to do what I need to do to get better.

But Lord, its hard!

One of my goals towards better health is to move from the "obese" category of being 50 pounds overweight into a healthy weight range. Forty pounds came with my last two pregnancies (20 pounds each) and the last 10 pounds has accumulated slowly over the past 8 years since Erin was born.

My husband, Joe, and I have been trying to lose weight through the SouthBeach Diet. Its a diet that makes sense to us. Two years ago when we did it for about 3 months we both had good results. I had lost about 12 pounds and he lost about 16. Then Christmas came and we took off for the holidays and never went back. We reverted to our old eating habits. This past January we decided to try again. It started out well enough, but, like the rest of my life, I seem to have trouble being consistent at it. Even so, for the most part I stick to it and still can't seem to budge the scale past the initial 10 pounds that I have lost. I feel very discouraged.

I decided to pour my heart out to God about it. This morning while I walked around the soccer field I told him I felt like giving up. I told Him how frustrated I was with my lack of progress. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Lord, I want to give up. Why can't I lose the weight I need to lose?? Its not working! I'm so discouraged. I'm so frustrated!

Him: What are you willing to change? You haven't really given anything up.

Me: I guess you're talking about the take out Chinese food Friday night, the pizza Saturday night, Taco Bell on Sunday and Burger King yesterday...

Him: What are you willing to give up?

Me: But even when I'm good I don't seem to get anywhere!

Him: Run.

Me: (By this time I had walked around the field 2 times. I have done a short jog on previous days but didn't plan to do it today because I was more tired than usual.) Its too hard, Lord. I'm tired! I can't do it today.

Him: Run, push yourself. You can do it.

Me: But Lord...

Him: Run.

So I run. I run my usual short jog of 1/4 of the way around the field.

Him: See, you did it. Keep pushing forward. You can do it.

Me: Okay Lord. I won't give up. I'll keep pushing forward.

We continued our conversation as I walked around the field two more times and was actually able to do a short sprint on my fourth circle.

But like my jog, being disciplined is hard for me. Going forward is hard when I feel so discouraged. I don't like hard. However, when I get past "hard" and can look back at it, it usually feels good and is almost always worth the effort. This I must keep in the forefront of my mind. Even as I write this I still "feel" discouraged. My flesh wants me to give up. But I won't give in to my flesh. I won't give into my feelings, instead I will keep moving forward in faith.



But do I really have to give up pizza?

Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

Had I wrote this as little as six months ago, I may have entitled it "Living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" or something like that. That is the diagnoses that I had received some seven years ago. But recently, with the fatigue and aching resurfacing after what seemed a brief remission from it, I’ve begun to again research CFS and Fibromyalgia some more.

My mother-in-law, who also suffers from Fibromyalgia, has always suspected that I too had Fibro. So when my doctor first diagnosed me with CFS I asked her about testing for Fibromyalgia. Her response was, “Many doctors and researchers are beginning to believe that CFS and Fibromyalgia are different sides of the same coin. The treatment would be the same.” There is a tender point test that can be done to determine help diagnose fibromyalgia, but we never tested.

Because we didn’t test officially for the fibromyalgia I never felt comfortable telling people that I had it. I would simply say that I have CFS – But as my husband, Joe, recently said, “That just makes it sound like you are tired all the time. You should tell people you have fibromyalgia, because that is what you have.” This came after I shared portions of a book I was reading, about dealing with Fibromyalgia fatigue by Dr. R. Paul St. Amand and Claudia Craig Marek. Both authors have suffered themselves from Fibromyalgia. Dr. St. Amand believes that CFS and Fibromyalgia are the same thing and that, possibly, “CFS” patients have a higher pain threshold.

I don’t know if the high pain threshold is true or not, but I do know that I don’t suffer as badly as many fibro patients suffer. I once went with my husband to a Fibromyalgia Support Group meeting and realized how much worse I could be. That isn’t to say that I haven’t struggled, because I have. Just this morning I woke up with my arms and legs aching down to the core of my joints and the pain/aching stretching up and down my arms and legs. My back feels like I have a ten pound weight attached to it. Yesterday I was at the pool with my family and swam about four laps (about eight 25 yard lengths) and this aching is a result of that. It’s not enough to keep me in bed but it is enough to slow me down and I can't afford to slow down much more.

Today I hope to go to the library and get another book out from Dr. St. Amand, What Your Doctor May NOT Tell You About Fibromyalgia. As I mentioned before, earlier this year I thought I had my condition under control and then this summer I feel myself slipping back into they cycle of pain and fatigue. I don’t want to slip back down to the worst I’ve ever been of having days where I ached so bad and my head felt so heavy that I didn’t want to get out of bed. And if I didn’t want to research for my own benefit, I now have a more compelling reason to research Fibromyalgia… We believe my oldest daughter has it too.

To Be Like Lucy...

Earlier tonight I was sitting on the couch reading. Stretched out beside me was my dog, Lucy. When it came time to go upstairs to pray and tuck-in my youngest daughter she followed me up to the bedroom. After Erin and I prayed and talked and tucked and I turned out her light, it occurred to me that I need to be more like my dog. I could learn a lot from her about my relationship with my Lord. Jesus used many parables to teach us truths about God and his relationship with us. I see a parable in my relationship with Lucy.

She is my shadow. There was a time when my fibromyalgia was much worse than it is now and I would spend many hours a day in bed sleeping or aching. She was always there. Any time I take a nap she immediately comes up to be with me. If I go to my room and shut the door I can soon hear her outside the door sniffing and snuffling and whimpering to come in with me. She longs to rest by my side.

Our children have laid claim to having her sleep with them at night, but if Lucy had her way she would be sleeping in my bed. Every evening she stays by my side or at my feet till bedtime. When I go to bed or when she’s ready to go to sleep, she goes to sleep with one of the children. First thing every morning she gets up and crawls into bed with me till I get up. If my door is shut she lays outside my door till someone lets her in to be with me. She wants to start and end her days with me.

If I am busy and doing a lot of housework she can’t seem to settle down. She wants to be where I am, following me from one room to another. She may eventually settle down once she determines which room is where I seem to be the most. If I sit at my desk, she’s there sitting at my feet. If I go outside in the yard, she wants to be there next to me. She doesn’t want to let me out of her sight. She desires to be constantly in my presence.

She knows who to go to if she needs something. She always comes to me first. Whether she needs to go out and piddle, or needs more water in her water dish or food in her food dish, she comes to me. She knows I’ll figure it out and if I don’t take care of it myself I’ll get one of the kids to take care of her. She trusts me to provide for her.

If she needs to feel loved, she’ll come up to me and roll over and expose her belly waiting for a good belly rub. Or she’ll crawl up to me and rub her nose with her paws to let me know, “Please rub my ears!” There are times when I am scratching her head and she lets out a deep sigh of contentment. She looks to me to satisfy her needs for love and affection.

When I call her she comes. Except for my husband, she doesn’t always come for anyone else. When I tell her to sit, she sits. When I tell her to lie down, she lays down. She’s not perfectly obedient, but that is more my inconsistency in training rather than her willingness to obey. She wants to please me and desires to obey me.

When my husband goes out of town from time to time she will get the opportunity to sleep with me. One time he came in at about 3:00 am. Generally when she hears a car outside or someone come to the door she barks with excitement and runs to see who it is, but that’s generally during the day. She heard my husband come in the back door at that late hour and began growling a very deep fearsome growl. My husband came quietly to the bedroom door and opened it to tell me he was home. With a fierce and loud bark she lunged for the person at the door. It wasn’t till she got close that she realized it was him and then instantly changed to the friendly dog we know and love. But when she thought some stranger was coming into my bedroom she was very protective of me. She is willing to give her life to protect me.

I need to be more like Lucy.

Oh Lord, that I would always rest close to your side and desire to be in your presence from first thing in the morning, all through the day and when I close my eyes at night. Lord, may I constantly follow you and then know you so well that I would trust you to supply my every need and to hear and answer every prayer. May your love and grace fill my heart to overflow and satisfy those inner longings. May my desire be to listen for your voice and obey your Word. Lord, may I be willing to lay down my life for you and your name as you have already laid your life down for me .

Not young, but not old! What am I?

Most of the time I don’t feel my age. Most of the time I feel pretty young. Even when I’m feeling tired and achy with the fibromyalgia I don’t feel old. Okay, that isn’t entirely true. Sometimes as I’m getting out of bed and feeling very stiff I think, “This must be what it is like to feel old.”

But usually, somewhere in my head, I feel young. When I go shopping with my teenaged girls, I feel like a Mom, but I don’t feel old. When I help out with the youth group I don’t even feel old. I’m just a Mom.

When I go to craft night and hang out with the other ladies from my church I don’t feel old. I definitely don’t feel old when I go to a Mom’s Night Out and hang out with the other home school moms in my church. I’m just kind of in the middle there. Some friends are older and some are younger, but gosh, none of us are old!

Maybe having an 8 year old helps me to feel young. Maybe having a friend that is my age with a 3 year old helps me to feel young. Maybe the fact that I like the Wiggles makes me feel young.

This past Monday, although I didn’t quite feel old, I definitely didn’t feel young! Monday I met with two other Moms from my favorite homeschool forum. A “meet-up” was planned and it turned out that three of us could make it. I had never met these Moms before our meet-up, but I was looking forward to it. A National Park playground area was chosen that was within a reasonable driving distance for many of us that live in Maryland, Virginia and Pennsylvania. We would meet at 11:00 am and bring picnic lunches. The night before our meeting I decided to check out each of the Moms’ profiles to see if any of them had their picture posted like I did and see how old their kids were. That’s when I realized that I might be the older Mom in the group. Of the four others that might come, the oldest child was 9 years old. My youngest is 8 and my oldest is 18.

But that’s okay. I wanted to meet some other home schooling Moms from the forums. My youngest was the only one to go with me. My oldest has a fulltime job for the summer and the 14 year olds just were not interested.

I met two very delightful and beautiful young women. Suddenly, I didn’t feel young anymore. Oh my. They were young and slender, no-makeup beautiful. They seemed enthusiastic about life. It was a strange feeling, realizing that I’m not “young” anymore. It was really unsettling to realize that when I began home schooling one of the Moms was eleven years old! Its not as though I don’t have any younger friends. I have a 23 year old friend that works with the youth group with me. But maybe it is because I’m also friends with her mother that I don’t feel old around her. I’ve known her too long. Maybe when she gets married and has her first baby I’ll feel old. I am also good friends with our Youth Pastor and his wife who are in their early 30s, but I was in my 30s when I first me them so they’ve never made me feel old. (or maybe I should say they’ve rarely made me feel old!) Meeting these other homeschool Moms in their twenties was somehow different.

But it was good. Age didn’t matter as we chatted about home schooling, our children and our lives. How I would love to be back where they are, just on the beginning of my homeschool adventure. I made so many mistakes in the beginning and our first year of home schooling is remembered as a year of struggling and tears when it should have been joy and adventure. Adventure. That’s it. They had a sense of fresh adventure. I realized how weary I had become. Yet, the Bible tells us not to grow weary of doing good.

I want to capture their youth and enthusiasm and fuse it back into my homeschool. I have four years with my twins and ten more with my “baby” and don’t want to spend them being weary and frazzled. I’ve been doing this for 13 years and am finally figuring out what is too much and what is doable. (at least I think I have!) So maybe being older isn’t so bad? If I can combine my experience with their fresh enthusiasm then I’ll be going forward in a very positive direction.

We had such a good time we have decided we want to do it again. I would love to continue a friendship with my new young friends. Not only did I enjoy their company, but did I mention that I got to cuddle and rock a five month old to sleep? That was definitely a highlight of the day. The thought that I was both (just) young enough to be the baby’s mother also crossed with the thought that I am (definitely) old enough to be the baby’s grandmother! That is a phase of life I look forward to in the future but am not in any hurry for any of my children to bring me to that stage yet.

And if I need to feel young, I just need to go speak to a certain older gentleman at church. One of our "retired Deacons", he is in his eighties and has a tendency to call us women in our 40s and 50s “young lady”. "And how are you doing today, young lady?" I love it! I suppose it is all relative. I am young to him! Hey wait, does this mean I’m actually middle aged? Not young… not old. Ah, that’s it!

Okay, so I’m not young anymore, but I can still feel young at heart . At 45 years old I hopefully have some wisdom to bring to my home school and can let my twenty something friends inspire me with their youth and enthusiasm to put a spark back into my homeschool. Middle-aged isn't so bad!

The Changing of the Books...

Its that time of year. Swimteam season is done and its August. The new school year starts at the end of the month so its time to prepare. It is time to change the books.

We usually do school in our dining room and living room. We have two book cases in the living room that hold our school books and most of our supplies. Earlier in this week I began the process of switching out last year's book to make room for this year's books. Taking the books off the shelves is fairly easy. Putting the new books up isn't so hard. As I write this I can look up and see my nice white Billy Bookcases from Ikea filled with World History texts, wonderful readers and read alouds from Sonlight, art books, math books and science books. I have one shelf dedicated to our nature guides and two Longaberger baskets sit next to them, one nicely hiding math manipulatives and one hiding index cards. I have an empty shelf available to my oldest daughter's college text books so that she doesn't have to lug every single text every day she goes to school. The shelves look so nice and tidy!

Then there is the rest of the living room. What's the big deal? The big deal is the mountain of books that came off the shelves stacked on a 3'x5' folding table sitting in the middle of the living room. The big deal is the stacks of empty binders and miscellaneous books in piles waiting to be given a home. The bins full of books to go down to the crawl space. Bags of school supplies to be put away. Miscellaneous items laying on the couch and the floor to be sorted and put away (or thrown away!) THIS is the hard part.

But I did make a dent today. Despite the fact that Joe, my husband, was cleaning out the garage and found three boxes that belonged to "me". Boxes filled with miscellaneous items that need to go to other places. Sentimental notes and cards written to me and cards made by my children to go into a personal history box. Some photos of the kids from 7 years ago! Prize artwork made by my children. Oh the treasures I found! Among the treasures I weaned out 1 full bag of garbage and a paper bag of catalogs for recycling. But I did indeed find some long lost items. Over the last several years I've wondered what has happened to some sewing kits I bought my two older girls. Guess what was in one of those boxes? I also found a long lost book on cutting children's hair. We are studying world history this coming school year and one timely find was a Scientific Explorer Kit with two project related to Ancient Rome. My hands-on son may enjoy working with that kit with his younger sister. But what to do with the treasures?

Did I mention I had made a dent in my work today? After sorting through the three boxes of "treasures", I filled four 14 gallon bins with books to go into our crawl space and made a data base list on the computer for each bin. I had my books in large 18 or 20 gallon bins but I have found those to be too big. They get too heavy and don't hold the books nice and tight and flat. I have two more huge bins in the crawl space that will get converted to14 gallon bins as soon as this project is done. (Our crawlspace is cemented with shelving and lights... not a dirt space under the house)

I'm not sure when I'm going to get my living room back. I'm done for the day. I've had several achey days this past week with the fibromyalgia. This is what slows me down. That and getting totally overwhelmed. But I really want my living room back and I want to be able to move to the next step of preparing for the new school year... lesson planning. That's the fun part of preparing for the new year, that and buying the new books. But that's another post for another day.

Today I choose to not look back at what didn't get done this past week or even today. Today I choose to delight in the found treasures and to look with hope to the reward of the coming week's work when I have a tidy living room all ready for a new school year. I choose to look forward to finishing the changing of the books!

Here we go...

Well, here I am entering the world of blogging and the 21st Century!

I have a few friends that blog and thought I might give it a try too. And what happens? I go blank! Okay, slow down and take a deep breath. What is my focus with this blog? Ah, that's a good place to start. I want to have a place to write about my fibromyalgia and my efforts to "overcome" it. I understand its not something you cure, but it seems you can sometimes control it. Some people have more success than others. I'm hoping since my fibro isn't as severe as it is for many that it will be manageable. Several months ago I thought it had gone into remission, but I was wrong. More later.

In a related area, I want to have a place to journal my struggles with being fit in general. I am about 50 pounds heavier than I should be and have yet to be successful in eating healthier in a consistent way that would promote weight loss. Exercise would be good too, but the fibromyalgia often discourages me from pursuing exercise. I haven't given up on myself yet.

Lastly, I also want to write about homeschooling. Its a huge part of my life. Its my fulltime job. I mostly love it but I'm not always good at managing my or the kids' time... but we still somehow get through each year. Some years have been more difficult than others. This year I'll only have three kids to homeschool now that my oldest has graduated. That should ease my burden a bit, though I expect to be helping my oldest some as she adjusts to college work.

One of the things I must get better about doing is going to bed at a decent time. It's 10:30 pm so I think its time for bed.